This band, named after a cliché, decided to do an original Christmas song with the intention of breaking up holiday music monotony. It’s ironic, I know! Ergo, the seasonal greeting, “Have a funky Christmas,” switches up the standard, “Have a merry Christmas.” (Do you see what they did there?) “Funky-Funky Christmas” does not disappoint. With funky beats and rap lyrics, it is not a hum-drum song for the holidays.
However, the single by this ‘80s boy band, four decades on, sounds outdated and mired in that era. No one expected boy-band popularity to stick around as far in the future.
"Christmas in Blobbyland" by Mr. Blobby
You can't get worst than a Mr. Blobby new release. Actually, you can. A Mr. Blobby new release for Christmas. This song came out in the mid-1990 and is not too familiar to later generations.
Although there's nothing too appealing in this tune, Mr. Blobby believes "Christmas in Blobbyland" was a great release and still doesn't understand why it never made it to number one.
"At This Time Of Year" by Craig Philips
If you're not familiar with Craig Philips, don't worry. No one is. He won a reality TV show over 20 years ago and following that he decided to take full advantage of his 15 minutes of fame and released a Christmas song.
At first, the radio stations played the song, thinking his success on the reality show would be recreated by a Christmas hit, however, reality kicked in, the song's memory drifted away, and it was never heard of again. Just like Craige.
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas" by Everyone You Know
We've got to say this out loud. "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is bad. It's really bad. There's nothing good about it. The lyrics are low, the melody sucks, and it has no story or meaning behind it.
Everyone, and we mean everyone, sings the song at least once over the holidays, and to be honest, we are sick of it. Wherever you look it's there in your face, impossible to escape from. Even the past century's Christmas cards that play a tune when you open them, play "We wish you...". We've had enough. Oh ye, and this goes for "Jingle Bells" too.
"Lonely This Christmas" by Mud
Before Slade's "Merry Christmas Everybody" there was Mud's "Lonely This Christmas". This was as bad as most of the Christmas songs released in the era. "Lonely This Christmas" was no exception.
It is performed in a horrific Elvis-style tone of voice which makes you wish sometimes, that the power would just go off.
"I Believe in Father Christmas" by Greg Lake
If you're going to release a Christmas song, don't be a hypocrite. You can say whatever is on your mind, act accordingly and be honest at least to yourself.
There is no way you can complain about the commercialization and money machine Christmas has turned into, while you're producing a Christmas song that is about to become exactly that.
"In Dulci Jubilo" by Mike Oldfield
"In Dulci Jubilo" is a Christmas instrumental song that came out in 1975 and hasn't been heard of since. It was described by Oldfield as "the next Christmas hit," however, his audience had different plans for his creation.
The melody is actually pleasant and doesn't have anything wrong, however, the tempo and rhythm Oldfield chose to dress the notes in, can make your teeth cringe.
"One More Sleep" by Leona Lewis
What is it with Christmas collection albums? Why can't artists just release a Christmas tune in addition to regular music? No wonder these music pieces never make it to the top.
"One More Sleep" came into our world in 2013 by x-factor winner Leona Lewis, who tried to sum up into one song the excitement on Christmas eve, when there is just one more sleep before Christmas. Did she succeed? We think not. Good night.
"I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" by Wizzard
Roy Wood, the lead vocalist of Wizzard contributed our next entry to the list. The composition of "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" is actually sweet and OK to listen to and even the children's choir in the background manages to uplift the song's tiered spirit.
The song never made number one on the charts and most people these days don't know who Wizzard was, let alone who Roy Wood was. Definitely deserves a place on the worst Christmas songs list.
"Just Like Christmas" by Low
Low tried really hard to transfer the song listeners to a snowy white scenery, like Stockholm Sweden. The song was part of a complete Christmas album released in 1999.
To thaw the cold and gloomy winter scene, Low do try to make an effort and cheer everyone up around the Christmas holiday. However, with a song like this, no matter how hard they tried, success was never guaranteed.
"Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues
The Pogues wanted to shed some light on the fact that not everyone has a very merry Christmas, and that those who immigrated to New York from Ireland during the potato famine, might have not had a Christmas at all.
You know, this complexability and exaggerated emotional stuff just ruin our holiday and put us off our Christmas atmosphere, so we prefer to skip this one whenever it's on the radio.
"Merry Xmas Everybody" by Slade
"Merry Christmas Everybody" is a British classic. It's one of those tunes everyone sings to whether they're at home, in the office, or down the pub sprinkling that Christmas spirit everywhere. It was released in 1973 as a single with no album to fall back on.
It's an annoying, overly joyful, and repeated-on-the-radio kind of song that is somehow still making Slade over $500,000 in royalties every year.
"Christmas Wrapping" by Spice Girls
During the mid and late 1990s, The Spice Girls had three Christmas number ones, Goodbye’, ‘2 Become 1’, and‘ Too Much’. Now, they should have thought better and hung on better to their luck as their next Christmas release was a disaster.
Their cover for "Christmas Wrapping" was nowhere near a success. It sounded as if the girls just gathered around Mel C and gave her backup vocals. This may very well have been the case, but still.
"Millenium Prayer" by Cliff Richards
The least you could have done, Cliff, is to write your own lyrics. He basically took the bible lyrics and sang them in a festive depressing tune.
"Millenium Prayer" has been around since 1999 and wasn't one of Richard's greatest hits. The song was so bad when it was first released to the point it was ignored by some radio stations.
"What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas" by Meco
Even in far-away galaxies, there is no escaping a bad Christmas song. The "Star Wars" gang couldn't let us have a nice quiet holiday and they just had to release their entry to our list.
If the producers of this song were planning on turning it into a huge hit and part of the Star Wars mania phenomenon, they had another thing coming.
"Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Christmas" by The Robertsons
This has got to be an abusive act towards American pop culture. It starts off with the creation of the show "Duck Dynasty". In one sentence, it's a reality show about people (the Robertsons) going out to hunt ducks.
It's followed by the horrific "Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Christmas" song the Robertsons insisted on releasing, which only emphasized how bad the whole concept was.
"Mary, Did You Know?” by Michael English
"Mary Did You Know" is supposedly a Christmas classic. It's sung in churches and on the radio. It even has a heavy rock version. In a nutshell, the song questions virgin Mary, and whether she knew her son was the son of God.
Hello? What is the purpose of the annunciation if not that? Of course she knew. Besides the story being a bit odd, the lyrics are controversial, and kind of paint Mary as an idiot.
"Santa Claus Has Got the XXXX" by Tiny Tim
So many bad things can be said about Christmas and Santa in particular. You don't have to be a lover of the season, but in our opinion, there is no room for this. No matter how much of a Grinch you are, you don't make fun of illnesses.
The song was written in the 1970s but was recorded only in the 1980s, and still didn't manage to make a good impression on anyone.
"This Christmas" by Set It Off
Imagine taking "The Grinch" movie and turning it into a Christmas song. Well, this is what "This Christmas" is all about. The same scenario of one kid who doesn't get anything for Christmas while the rest of his stuck-up neighbors, get everything on their list.
Most of the songs Set It Off released at the same time were actually OK, considering their style, however, their Christmas release was so bad that many people are not even familiar with it.
"White Christmas" by Iggy Pop
Iggy Pop has always been a bit on the controversial side. You either love him or hate him. The problem with "White Christmas", is that even those who love him, we can't stand Pop's Christmas wannabe great hit.
His voice sounds as if he was stuck alongside Santa in the chimney and insisted on going with the lyrics all the same.
"I'm Gonna Put Some Glue Round the Christmas Tree" by Joel Grey
At some point, we all learn that no matter how much you try, there is no way you will find a fat old man in a red suit rolling down the chimney. However, kids think differently, and the lyrics in "I'm Gonna Put Some Glue Round the Christmas Tree" made children believe that if they try hard enough, Santa might stick around.
Halfway through the song, you realize that the way planned for preserving Santa, was somewhat illegal, it was not a child who came up with the idea, and it was also not a child singing the song. It was a grown man dressed in his creepy outfit with a creepy tone of voice. Thank you, this is not for us.
"Oh Holy Night" by Christina Aguilera
In every town, there is always one house that takes the Christmas decoration issue a little too far. Too much glitter, too many Santas, and way too many Christmas carols playing in the background.
Aguilera's "Oh Holy Night" is exactly that. It's just too much. We appreciate her style and we love her in other masterpieces she has recorded but when it comes to Holiday rhymes, please step aside and let the modest interpretation shine.
"Christmas Time Is Here” by (or for) Charlie Brown
In 1965 Vince Guaraldi and Lee Mendelson wrote "Christmas Time Is Here" for the TV special Holiday episode of Charlie Brown. Although this was one of the first ever Christmas TV production, looking back, it wasn't as good as initially thought to be.
The squeaking voices and the lack of harmony all contribute to this song being an undetachable part of our list. Merry Christmas.
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas" by Enya
Many Christmas songs have more than one version. Some versions may be pleasant and some... how can we put this? Well, are basically not. I mean, how can you ruin the most popular song of the season?
Enya's interpretation of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is many things, but it's mostly annoying (or Enyaing).
"The First Noël" by Josh Groban and Faith Hill
"The First Noël" is a church classic. It's pleasant to the ear, it flows, and when Christmas eve comes knocking on your door, the lyrics are already waiting on the tip of your tongue.
But if you stop for just one moment, you will realize how poor the actual words are, and how nothing makes sense. The song was written way back in the 13th century, and we suggest it should have stayed there.
"The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot" by Nat King Cole
We acknowledge the fact that many Christmas songs are sad. In fact, they are very sad. Just by reading the lyrics of this next one, you could accidentally fall into the great depression and forget that Christmas is supposed to be a happy time.
"In the street, he envies all those lucky boys. Then wanders home to last year's broken toys". We will spare you with the rest of these traumatizing words, that make you appreciate everything you have and be thankful for all the loved ones surrounding you.
"Merry Christmas With Love" by Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken's version of "Merry Christmas With Love" is not the original one so he is not completely the blame for the song being so hated. Aiken did, however, manage to color it in his own colors and make it completely his.
He even used "Merry Christmas with Love" as the title of his album so he probably never realized how bad his take was. Bottom line, if you become familiar with this tune from 2004 onwards, it's Clay you have to blame.
"Puppies Are Forever" by Sia
The song has a significant punch. Do not, under any circumstances, buy anyone a puppy for Christmas. It will turn into a lifetime gift that they could never get rid of. The cause is good — the lyrics are not.
Listening to "Puppies are forever, not just for Christmas" on repeat can be quite annoying to the point of giving you a migraine. In a way, it is even more difficult than caring for that actual dog.
"The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong
We can handle broken heart stories taking place around Christmas time, and we can stand the over-sweet lyrics of the happily ever after tales around this magical time of year. What we can't deal with is disturbing stories, like NewSong used in "The Christmas Shoes".
Why would anyone want to hear about a poor old boy trying to save up enough money to buy new shoes for his dying mother? I mean, they couldn't pick a better way to ruin the holiday spirit.
“Chanukah Song” by Adam Sandler
Because Chanukah has the tendency to get forgotten during the holiday time of the year, here is a terrible Jewish song. Adam Sandler said he made the “Chanukah Song” because we hear so few Jewish songs at Christmastime. In response, he composed this little ditty.
As a song it’s... well... it doesn’t rhyme or sound that pleasing to the ear, but it is humorous and includes a list of famous people who celebrate Chanukah.
“Hey Sis, It's Christmas” by RuPaul Charles and Markaholic
The queer community has RuPaul Charles to thank for turning drag performance into mainstream entertainment. Charles is celebrated for many things, but this song isn't one of them.
Sure, the beat might make some people get up and dance, but the lyrics won't make much sense to those who don't watch RuPaul's reality show. And even those who do watch the show would have to admit there's very little narrative in there.
“Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg
This song is about a Christmas memory, a love song, a song of lost love. But, is it necessary to make it a Christmas song? We can hear unrequited love songs all year long, do we really need the “Same Old Lang Syne?”
Can’t we get a break during the holidays? It might be a beautiful song, but let’s keep it happy at Christmas, alright?
“Baby It’s Cold Outside” by John Legend and Kelly Clarkson
“Baby It’s Cold Outside” has its detractors, some say it sounds like something that would never last in the #MeToo movement. John Legend gives us this duet with Kelly Clarkson to redeem the original. Legend is more allowing, “I can call you a ride” and “text me when you get home.” He still sings “gosh your lips look delicious.”
But with, “It’s your body and your choice,” the song is plainly altered. But does it make it better?
“Have a Cheeky Christmas” by The Cheeky Girls
This identical twin duo from Romania sold 1.2 million copies of their single “Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum),” a song about touching their bum. No false advertising there.
The duo’s Christmas song is yet another invitation to touch their backside, this time underneath the mistletoe. “It could be your lucky night,” boys, this could be you.
“Christmas Saves the Year” by Twenty One Pilots
“Christmas Saves the Year” is so bad it made “Rolling Stone’s” list of the “20 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time.” It could have done worse, though, placing at No. 16.
The rock magazine’s determination sparked a fire around the song with Twenty One Pilots fans flocking to Twitter to object. In the end, some Twenty One Pilot fans agreed with “Rolling Stone” magazine.
“Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” by Weezer
Weezer’s Christmas album must have been under contract — it sounds coerced. Their performance of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” is out of place and unconvincing. A song that celebrates the triumphant redemption of humanity, about Jesus having risen, falls flat.
The Weezer sound of monochrome guitar persists throughout, it’s the same music in every song on the “Christmas with Weezer” holiday album.
“Christmas Conga” by Cyndi Lauper
Cyndi Lauper is known for many things, like quintessential 80s punk-girl style, and for her hit single "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". She isn't known for this Christmas song, and there is a very good reason why that is.
It's a mystery why she thought it would be a good idea to sing an island conga song in the dead of a Bronx winter. It’s totally insincere holiday cheer. It comes from her album, “Merry Christmas … Have a Nice Life.”
“Spin Me a Christmas” by Aqua
Electro music and Christmas clash in an unfortunate way in “Spin Me a Christmas.” Aqua, a Eurodance band of three, delivers the tinny tune. On the dance floor, the sound of synthesizers is right at home. The song complains about plastic snow and the Disneyfication of Christmas, you know, American marketing.
But what else are Euros going to complain about? Not many Europeans liked it, though. The song only made the charts in Denmark, and it came in at No. 43.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by Jackson 5
With smooching sounds sampled in and a little boy saying he’s going to tell daddy, the Jackson 5 cover of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” boldly brings out the implied themes of this song.
It’s sung in Michael Jackson’s high pitched voice, another reason the song clangs on the ear. But a lot of people love the Jackson 5 and this song too.
“Don’t Shoot Me Santa” by The Killers
This song is a dark, yet creative spin on Christmastime. It’s a story about Santa threatening a kid for misbehaving and hurting the kids in his block. The kid is pleading his case, saying that they teased and bullied him first. In case you were wondering, the kid gets the last word.
It’s not your average Christmas carol, it’s a song noir. If you’re looking for it, it’s on The Killers’ album “Don’t Waste Your Wishes.” Proceeds from the song go to charity so it can't be that bad.
“All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber
Mariah Carey’s attempt at making a sexy Christmas song is...debatable. The music video for the song is cringy, at best. It’s filmed inside of what looks like a bargain department store, likely JC Penny’s, although a Macy’s star is placed in the product mix.
Next, enter Justin Bieber. At 17, he seems young for a mature Mariah decked out in a miniskirt Santa suit, but nevertheless, she’s singing “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” And he is too. He even had to bring up that he’ll be waiting under that same old mistletoe.
“The Christmas Blues” by Bob Dylan
It comes as no surprise Bob Dylan sings a song called “The Christmas Blues.” It could be any time of year, he’s still going to sing the blues. It’s quintessential Dylan when he croons about how the only thing Santa brought him is the blues. But no one wants to hear a long song about being lonely at Christmas.
A lot of people are sad this time of year, and Dylan tells us why. “But, friends, when you’re lonely / You’ll find that it’s only / a thing for little girls and little boys.” He only sees the dark side.
“Twinkle, Twinkle Little Me” by Stevie Wonder
This song has egotism written all over it. “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Me,” even the title, is all about him in the season of giving. So, it’s no surprise that the 1967 song recorded by Stevie Wonder did not make it onto the permanent playlist of classic holiday music.
It doesn’t put us in the holiday spirit because it is all about him, and only him, getting what he wants.
“Christmas Tree” by Lady Gaga
This song kicks off with a synth zip riff that clashes against Christmas and the point of music. But it gets worse. “Christmas Tree” is an attempt by Gaga to make a sexy Christmas song but it’s raunchy instead. It’s bad. “My Christmas tree is delicious” is a weird and creepy phrase.
It’s so unnecessary. This song came out in December of 2008. It was a bad time, but at least Lady Gaga was making hay.
“Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley
This bluesy Christmas ballad by Elvis is too depressing. “I’ll have a blue Christmas, without you.” It’s a sad song that wallows in its own sorrow without any sign of redemption. It whines to his love interest as if she will cave in and be with him for Christmas if he cries about it long enough.
That said, the King of Rock was probably used to getting his way with the ladies for far less of an effort. A bat of the eye would send a woman swooning into his arms.
“I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas” by *NSYNC
The boyband recorded this song in 1998. It’s more in sync with their signature love song candy. In this one, the band of boys from Florida tease tween fans with, “Girl, you make me finally see, and I never knew the meaning of Christmas till you came into my life.”
Justin Timberlake’s former gig is the cheesiest. And *NSYNC’s Christmas songs have one thing in common — corniness.
“Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by *NSYNC
*NSYNC, the boy band from the ‘90s that everyone knew of, long before K-Pop topped charts, recorded Christmas music because of course they did. It’s cheery, colorful, and way too sweet. In the music video, it’s like airbrushed happiness, if that was a thing.
The video for the 1998 “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” is a cliché filled with happy children and bee-bop sounds.
“Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” by Maroon 5
This Maroon 5 cover of John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s band’s “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” came out in 2007. It’s arguably a better song. Maroon 5 adds harmony to Lennon’s 1971 recording. While Maroon 5’s “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” is prettier sounding, the original song, was much more palpable.
It was the height of the Vietnam War in casualties and military entrenchment, and the U.S. government stood stalwart behind it. It was a tense time when pop culture legends as well-known as John and Yoko sang “war is over if you want it.”
“2000 Miles” by The Pretenders
This 1983 Christmas release by The Pretenders is lovely. The problem is it is too sad to be a Christmas song. The tune is about James Honeyman-Scott, the band’s bassist, who passed away after a losing battle with his bad substance habit. Coincidentally, it happened only two days after Chrissie Hynde fired founding member Peter Farndon for sinking into similar habits of his own.
Honeyman-Scott was also a founding member and founder of the Violent Femmes. Oddly enough, Peter Farndon died the very next year, right around the time “2000 Miles” came out on “Learning to Crawl.”
“The Little Drummer Boy” by Jessica Simpson feat. Ashlee Simpson
This duet was recorded on a 2004 ABC holiday show called “Nick & Jessica’s Family Christmas Special.” Jessica and Ashley performing the duet as sisters were billed as a touching moment. The girls looked great, and they sang their hearts out.
"The Little Drummer Boy” is such a sweet song it is hard to mess up, yet they managed it. They tried too hard. The genuineness seems to be there, but they strain to sing it across.
“Carol of the Bells” by LeAnn Rimes
Every rendition of “Carol of the Bells” ever made is a beautiful ballad of ringing bells and pretty vocals clamoring toward a crescendo. Hard rock bands have also reprised the song interestingly, but the country singer’s version is not that. LeAnn Rimes butchers the carol with a pitch that just doesn’t work and grates on the nerves, frankly.
She made it for a Hallmark Christmas movie if that says anything. Her “Carol of the Bells” trails off and leaves us with a real bender: “Ding dingy dong” (repeat). Uh, “dingy?” The complexity of this song is shattered with a single word.
“Last Christmas” by Wham!
This song had been irritating people for many years, ever since George Michael and his colorful band, Wham!, put it on ‘80s FM radio. It still plays and it is as grating as ever. The sad Christmas break-up song about last Christmas has a relentless refrain like it’s never going to stop.
But then, in 2016, George Michael died on Christmas day, and we can never again hate the song.
“I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday” by Wizard
The ’70s glam rock band Wizard landed a chart-topper with this Christmas song, in spite of its absurd title. It topped at No. 4 on the 1973 charts. It’s like “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” on crack. Every single day, he wants it to be Christmas, with snow and sleet and freezing cold temps.
At the risk of pointing out the obvious, the whole reason for a holiday is that it comes once a year; and even if it’s wonderful, that’s still too often for some of us.
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews
This classic Christmas song came out in 1944. Beloved by all, it won an Oscar for Best Song in “Neptune’s Daughter.” Flash forward to the 2010s and the #MeToo era, and radio stations censored it for sounding like a foray into improper advances.
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is about him trying to keep her at his place because the weather is bad out there. She says “no,” but he keeps at it. The song was brought back to the air because pretty much everyone wanted it back.
“Santa Baby” Madonna
“Santa Baby” is one of the worst holiday songs ever, but Madonna’s version takes it to a new low. If her material girl persona wasn't enough for you to guess that she is singing this song, you would easily believe it is by a stereotypical Jersey girl who you would not be surprised to see in a show like “The Sopranos.”
Surprise, surprise, though her voice is almost impossible to recognize, it’s Madonna pressing some extra holiday cash.
“Dominick the Donkey” by Lou Monte
Back in 1960 when “Dominick the Donkey” came out, political correctness wasn't what it is today, and so this song was a hit. It’s about a Christmas donkey (like a discount reindeer?) who is to bring presents to Italian children.
Dominick is like an Italian version of Rudolf, making cartoonish hee-haws and all, which isn't terrible, except that Italian Americans didn't appreciate the lyrics. Look it up, you'll see what we're talking about.
“Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” by Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen is praised as the voice of American rock and roll. He is a blue-collar crooner who has mega-hit songs like “I’m on Fire” and “Born in the U.S.A.” As such, we do not expect the Boss to sing songs about Santa coming to town to warn children about their behavior all year.
His gruffy — some say constipated — vocals get a pass in “Glory Days” and in any song of his repertoire. Not this one. He sounds like a creepy elf.
“Step Into Christmas” by Elton John
In 1973 when Elton John recorded this song, he was a swinging single and so, presumably, not big on family Christmas celebrations. One gets this impression from the opening of the music video for his song.
He kicks it off with a theatrical stretch and a wide yawn and then jumps into a very peppy performance. It’s jangly and merry, but also uninspired and repetitious.
“Christmas Island” by Jimmy Buffett
Jimmy Buffet tried to make it sound like a good idea to spend Christmas on some deserted island God-knows-where. In “Christmas Island,” steel drums and island ukuleles attend Buffett’s serenade to his love, trying to persuade her to dash away with him.
Palm trees and white sand in place of Christmas trees and snowy lands is a tough sell, and Buffett did not seal the deal. But the week after, he would surely have her hooked.
“Funky-Funky Christmas” by New Kids on the Block
This band, named after a cliché, decided to do an original Christmas song with the intention of breaking up holiday music monotony. It’s ironic, I know! Ergo, the seasonal greeting, “Have a funky Christmas,” switches up the standard, “Have a merry Christmas.” (Do you see what they did there?) “Funky-Funky Christmas” does not disappoint. With funky beats and rap lyrics, it is not a hum-drum song for the holidays.
However, the single by this ‘80s boy band, four decades on, sounds outdated and mired in that era. No one expected boy-band popularity to stick around as far in the future.
“Nuttin’ for Christmas” by Barry Gordon
The very first line in “Nuttin’ for Christmas” is shady, at best. “I broke my bat on Johnny’s head” and his only regret is “somebody snitched on me.” The rest of the song is a litany of bad things the kid did this year. The boy is totally unrepentant, like Bart Simpson but more gangsta.
In some versions, the song ends with the boy promising to be good next year. In another, he conspires with a thug to get what he wants by telling the crook where the family silver is stored.
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Perry Como
This is an oldie but a goodie that is on everyone’s Christmas music collection since 1951. On the other hand, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Perry Como and The Fontaine Sisters is one of those holiday songs that need to be taken off the rotation.
For people who are not in the holiday spirit, a chirpy song about the holidays starting might put someone over the edge.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by Jimmy Boyd
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is an oldie, but not so much a goodie. The melody is cheerful and warm in spirit, but it is not appropriate. It is confusing for children. Santa Claus is married to Mrs. Claus, and they live together at the North Pole.
Why would mommy be kissing Santa? What would daddy say? Why would anyone write such a song? What is the point?
“The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) by Alvin and the Chipmunks
With Alvin and the Chipmunks singing, you know the high-pitch squealing is going to drive you nuts, and it does. As a song, it’s nearly unintelligible, unless, perhaps, you slow down the playing speed. Another annoying part of this recording is the commentary and directions given by the chipmunks’ conductor.
We can complain about it all we like, but Alvin and the Chipmunks have done something right, they’ve nabbed five Grammy awards. That’s more than most musical artists can claim.
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” by Gayla Peevey
Gayle Peevey was only 10 when she recorded this 1953 radio hit, so it’s not her fault. The person who is responsible for bringing it to our holiday music playlist is Ed Sullivan. Gayle sang this silly song about getting a “hippo hero” from Santa on “The Ed Sullivan Show” and the cute little girl’s appearance popularized the tune. Funnily enough, the girl got her hippopotamus on Christmas.
Proceeds from the song went to a local city zoo, and when she got her hippo hero, she donated it to the zoo. It lived for over 50 years.
“Back Door Santa” by Bon Jovi
Hard rock Christmas music rarely delivers, and Bon Jovi’s contribution is no exception. This song has nothing to do with Christmas, it’s like an afterthought. The singer only has one thing on his mind, and it's not bringing piles of presents to all the good girls and boys. He is called “back door Santa,” implying he is sneaking through the backdoor to see her.
Is she married? This cryptic Claus says he is different from Santa because that one only comes once a year. What does that even mean?
“All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” by Alvin and the Chipmunks
This song ranks as one of the worst Christmas songs ever, in any year. It’s a sing-song ditty with a repetitive chorus that should never have left the kindergarten classroom.
The only thing that could make it worse is a bunch of chipmunks on sped-up RPMs singing it, and that is exactly what happened. Quick, cover your ears or kill the volume!
“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams
“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” by Andy Williams has been with us a long, long time. That does not make it any less grating on our collective nerves. Especially during those times when, for some, it is really not the most wonderful time. The holidays are very festive for plenty of people, but it is emotionally grueling for lots of others.
Misery rates in America hit 50-year highs in 2021. This guy singing about how great it is *supposed* to be doesn't help anyone.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band-Aid
When Band-Aid came together for this song, it was a big deal. The generosity of all overflowed and the names who pledged in 1984 were the era’s leading musical artists. Lead musicians from U2, the Police, Culture Club, Duran Duran, plus Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Phil Collins, George Michael, and of course Bob Geldof, who organized and produced this record to feed the poorest people of Africa.
The song was finished in one day and overflows with melodrama. Like, “When the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears/And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.” It doesn’t rhyme, but it’s heartfelt.
“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Mariah Carey
This is how the big girls make a holiday album. Hilary Duff, take note. It is crisp and clean, ringing with holiday cheer, and it is exactly what we expect out of one of music’s biggest divas.
But at the end of the day, it is a diva singing a holiday song. It’s all about what she wants for Christmas, knowing that if she begs and pleads for it persistently enough, she’ll get what she wants.
“Santa Claus Lane” by Hilary Duff
This song has been around since 2003, back when Hillary Duff enjoyed massive Disney Channel popularity. It sounds exactly like any ’90s-era pop song on that Disney-kid network. Not one note implies that it is a Christmas song. Change the lyrics and it’s a new Hilary Duff single. Bee-bop, formulaic, and uninspired.
This song and the rest of Duff’s Disney Christmas album are motivated by one thing only, and that is swift and efficient money-making glee.
“Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney
Paul McCartney’s Christmas song tops every “worst Christmas song” list ever made. It is for a reason. Perhaps, had he sung it a Capella, we would be spared of the worst element of this song — a persistent electro-zing beat. Unfortunately, the lyrics are problematic as well.
This song is all about what a wonderful time he and his friends and family are having. Over. And over. And over. “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime.” Okay, we get it. Can we just get on with our holiday?
“Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber
“Mistletoe” is a girl-crazy ballad by everyone’s favorite little pop singer. Girls were crazy about him for so many years, and he still has tons of fans. “Mistletoe” is a holiday version of his signature sappy love songs. He’s been ridiculed for many years by people who don't see the appeal.
Then you find out that Billie Eilish was such a starry-eyed Bieb fan that she struck up a friendship with him after running into him at Coachella.
“Santa Baby” by Michael Bublé
Michael Bublé is a recording artist who is sure to pump out lots of Christmas songs. He has a set of silky-smooth pipes that resonate just like melted chocolate. It’s tempting to tune in. But “Santa Baby” does not hit the mark for Christmas magic.
It’s about a greedy, womanizing swinger telling father Noel to bring him a Rolex watch, a yacht, or just some cold hard cash. Greed is antithetical to Christmas, just like the Grinch. Two thumbs down.
“Christmas Shoes” by NewSong
It’s bad enough when grandma gets trampled by a reindeer, but when momma’s gonna kick the bucket, perhaps on Christmas night, Christmas is over. Why in the world would anyone sing a song about Jesus meeting mama that night?
A boy wants to buy a pair of shoes to make her smile because daddy says she is sick and there’s not much time left. Why? Sing a song about mommy leaving this world any other time of the year.
“That’s Christmas to Me” by Pentatonix
By the end of this song, people cannot care less about what Christmas means to these crooners. The average listener is just glad the holiday ballad is over, frankly.
The saccharine sound, just like sugar-free candy canes, is not appealing. Pentatonix’s Christmas tune, sung in their signature a Capella, is nostalgic and sappy. A look back at how great Christmas was, for them. No one cares.
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy
Here’s a holiday song that one needs to look no further than its title to understand why it’s so hated. The upbeat ditty follows through with its shocking tease. As it turns out, grandma certainly did get killed by a reindeer, and the family is still in a celebratory mood.
Behold: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer/Walking home from our house Christmas Eve./You can say there's no such thing as Santa,/But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.” Yikes. They also do not want any of Grandma’s presents, singing that they will send them all back.
"Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas)" by John Denver
Look no further than the song title to know why “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas)” is a classic holiday downer. Sure, it’s got that country music twang, but even country westerners who are stereotyped to have issues with alcohol in the family, even they don’t want to hear about that.
It’s not funny. And, frankly, if daddy is drunk every single day of the year, he’s probably going to be drunk on Christmas too.